its my go..

so i finally got my tattoo…but it still doesnt change the way i feel. i thought gettin the tattoo meaning “to endure” would have honestly made me stronger. n relly get me over all my negativity. my temper my sensitive side…but its not workin. my mom relly needs to watch how she talks to me…cuz we jus had one of the worse arguments today. i havent thrown shit in awhile but today i actually chucked my fone. i guess all the depression n stuff ive been goin thru lately has been bottled up cuz i keep it to myself relly. but i can honestly say i didnt take it out on my mom. the words that come out of her mouth r relly too much. it actually got me sad. these r one of the days i think to myself that if i died, all these troubles would go away. *sigh*…i actually bought up the courage to tell her i miss her…n the feedback wasnt so pleasant. but then again, life is a bitch n not what we always expect n want it to be. i relly wish she never left. i know for a fact we wouldda still been together. i miss her so much. i dun think bout her as much anymore but she still comes in my head a good amount of times a day. she tol me to stop bringing up the past. how can i when i cant even forget the past n im stuck. i relly wonder how a person moves on so fast. i relly wish she can transfer some of that into me if she relly wants me to forget bout her. i mean i got the bottling up thing from her…but no matter wat…i still miss her so much. tumblrs seriously the only thing i can vent on. my frens would jus be like wow…she would jus tell me to stop n she dun wanna talk to me like this…idk wat to do but occupy myself =/

i lied..

dig this…

alright so when i said that my post wouldnt be bout her anymore, i lied. cuz the feedback i got bak from her after i tol her i miss her made me cry inside. these days i feel like im not relly livin, i died. shit…why do i have to feel like this i dun want to feel like this. i try so hard to not think but by the end of the day u always come in my head somehow n that makes my heart sink. i tol u that i dun smoke or drink…im bout to start. cuz grl u relly broke my heart. u dead up tol me we will never get back. shit…reading those words almost gave me a heart attack. it kills my hopes but im still on the race track. im still runnin wit the other guys altho im not in ur presence. getting u back is of the essence. cuz until i get u bak idk how im gunna find true happiness again. grl…y did u have to leave me…y did it have to end? y do u have to only c me as a friend? y couldnt i continue to be ur man, that special guy that u talked to every night b4 bedtime. y do i have to be the one now mourning n recminiscing on a rhyme? is it cuz i aint good enuff or is it cuz of my attitude. yeah i admit i am a bit rude. but deep down i no i have lots of love for you. i still care for you…i really do but you wouldnt have a clue. cuz now you get the options of more than one guy. n i wouldnt be the one to happen to catch ur eye…however, ur still the apple of my eye. but why….why dun u feel the same. when i tol u i missed u, u took off our date. u tol me it was awkward n i gotta stop at this rate. im here thinkin oh great so she relly got over me good for her but sucks for me…sometimes i question if she ever even liked me…did i happen to be a rebound or did she jus do everything outta curiosity…*sigh*

last blog for her…

this will be the last blog i dedicate to her. i still like her alot but it relly seems like shes moved on. i was happy that she remmebered my bday n wished me a happy bday. but i see her takin pics wit other guys ok fine…they r jus frens. but the fact i saw a comment of em sleepin together jus makes me feel like shes alrdy forgotten bout me n moved on to this guy. she even took off our date on the status…she tol me she wouldnt take it off. this shows shes truly over me. i tried to hold on til the very end hopefully we can get bak like we said we might. but looks like the chances r beyond slim right now. yeah its a huge miss out to me but idk if the feelings r mutual. i will always remember her altho it seems like shes forgotten all bout me. im not gunna say nothin to her bcuz i will jus let her be. im getting tatted up this sunday. the tattoo will be a chinese character meaning to endure. its a huge reminder for me n i hope its painful. cuz thats the only thing that can make me remember n do things…pain. hopefully the pain will be marked on me not jus physically but mentally n will always remain a reminder for me to endure things. this relationship between her n i was a major depression but ive gotta say i handled it pretty well. well the break up at least…i didnt endure our arguements well enuff n thats a lesson i learned. on my next girl i will be able to realize these mistakes. i still hope maybe one day we can get back bcuz i do love her. im pretty sure there will always be a spot for her in my heart. n i wun throw away the things she gave me bcuz they will always be a reminder to my next relationship which idk when it will be. it sucks i have to actually force myself to get over her tho. i dun like to wash memories away. especially when she hubbied me…i relly cnt understand how ppl can get over deep things like that. wouldnt u feel ruthless? oh wells i wasnt the one to forget first…at least i no i tried my hardest n put in my biggest effort. i dun hate u for not puttin ur biggest effort in cuz thats jus not u. hopefully she will be happier wit this guy than she was with me bcuz i no i did put her thru alotta shit. its hard to maintain a relationship but harder to let go especially when u love the person. i love her so i jus want her to be always happy. n once in awhile if she msgs me or w.e hopefully we can still talk as frens. but i will still have some sense of feeling for her. jenn…i will never forget our established date: 6.28…i wun forget the months we spent talkin. the end of december wouldda been our yr of actually noin each other but sucks we arent gunna relly make it. i wun forget the stuff we had together…the times at ur house, my house, out in flushing. totos…those pics r so beautiful of u i will never throw em out. i miss you…u dun have to be wit me but at least keep me somewhere in ur heart n dun throw out the necklace i gave u. bcuz mayb if we do get bak one day that necklace will be our first gift towards each other. i remmeber u tol me u will never fall for a guy n u dunno if u love me but u heart me alot…that prolly doesnt take effect anymore but lo gong still hearts you alot. u will never read this but these r my feelings n thoughts to u which i will not express to u in person ever prolly. so…last time jenn….i love you.

cant stop…

cant stop rappin bout you its become a habit. like a true crazy freak ima go at it. how can a pair be left wit one? i do need someone but not jus anyone. i mainly need u…set a limit to this love i can tell you 10,000 years aka forever. shit…how can this machine work without you as the lever? how can this pencil even write when life without you is pointless? someone teach me how to move on cuz im jus doin it outta heckness. n i cant even do that which is what scares me. a man wit a giant ass ego like me is gettin teared by she. i miss the first time i kissed u at the beach. how i held ur hand n u held it bak, n no i didnt do it jus to reach. i held ur hand cuz i knew it wouldda made me the luckiest man. but i aint gettin lucky no more and i understand. theres a bigger picture in ur life and this kid aint in it, i aint worth the trouble, the hassle, the stress. but would u still say or think that when u r being caressed? by my hugs and kisses n gettin a taste of my thoughts on how much i reminisce bout us? this is truly love and not lust. i tell u this aint infatuation either. cuz im waiting and still givin you space. n dun think that ur ahead of the race. bcuz im still right behind you im running everyday. one day i will catch up to u again n u will say fuck being frens. one day i will catch up to u n u will say lets stay til the end. one day i might be waitin for u at the finish line. n when that day comes…ill again gladly n proudly call u mine. =]

doubt this will happen but ayy a man can dream.

i said…

 i can fill my whole paper wit raps about you like collages. baby i miss us being together plus ur massages. my heart aches, body’s sore which is y i cnt sleep. its 3:50 in the morning im turning in to a freak. i wanna c u alrdy enuff wit the hide n seek. im boutta be on the seek. i miss you but i wonder if you miss me. i highly doubt that u miss me, but i try to hold a lil faith that u wun forget jus like that. altho u seem a lil too happy from what i see, i wonder where u be at. r u always at his dorm? or r u always at parties? do u still try n remember me or u try to forget bout me n take me outta ur life completely? i have every urge to contact you but scared that it wouldnt be the same. u tol me that u still liked me last time n u would still cherish my name. so i dun want my dreams crushed havin u tell me it was jus a game. my bdays comin up now did u forget that? on my bday on columbus day, where u gunna be at? r u even gunna wish me a happy bday or try to not care n let it pass? do u think bout me at all when u r in class? remember how i used to txt u during my breaks or afterskool? tell me that by reminiscing our past doesnt make me a fool. i wish u would tell me u felt the same way. but i relly no u dont n its relly kinda gay…ughh =/. i relly jus wanna say that without you my days r so plain. without you my days r filled wit rain. the weather be matchin my mood wit the raindrops to match my teardrops. there might be other guys in ur life now but i will love you for good unless my heart stop. thats the only time i cnt love u the same but i’d still be ur guardian angel. altho you might see me as a devil wit a horn insteada someone wit wings and a halo. but my affections for you are more solid than gold. no grl can replace you in my heart cuz my feeling for you r locked n rdy to load. the day we get bak might be the day these feelings explode. hopefully you’d take me bak wit no hesitation but in reality you’d prolly jus laugh. n yo my heart aint pumpin the same way since u have the other half. n do i still have that key to ur heart? yes i do, but can i still unlock it like the start? i wish we never ever parted cuz now we not even talkin. i think bout u even more everytime as im walkin. i c couples cuddling n wish we were still like that ughhh…every step that i take comes from both our lungs. i still be combining our names on behalf of our tongues. JK JK…just kidding or Jen n Kai? babe…=/ the days without you are so mean and harsh. feels like a black cloud follows me everywhere i go, gosh…when can i stop feelin this way and when can we ever get bak together? i wish the answer be soon and us endin up being forever. but in reality, i no the answer is never ever. *sigh*

check this baby its for you:

right off the top comin wit a free at the morning of 3. i can rhyme all day as long its feelings from me. cuz u no i have alotta feelings for u n its so much that a number couldnt represent it, it would be a variable. jus like how our feelings r constantly varying, interchangeable. one minute its hot, one minute its not, the next minute u mightta even forgot. would u laugh one day if u passed by our spot? or would u secretly think bout me? i dun dare to forget or lose my affection. u need me later on trust me u need my protection. im the only man who got the balls to take you n wanna be attached. bcuz others wouldnt wanna get hurt n would try to detach. but the difference between me n other guys is my love for you so strong that it can move mountains. them other dudes r soft, they r jus the water rushing in the fountains. they come n go while im tuff like a statue, ill be there for eternity. u cnt even count the times i think bout u a day, infinity. maybe even beyond cuz ive never waited so long. the feelings so strong but i can be wrong. u might not be the mrs.right but idc cuz im on to u now. move on? i would jus someone teach me how. matter of fact dun teach me cuz i dun wanna go anywhere. im stayin here. let this happen naturally n u will see how long i can wait jus like i promised. i wasnt lyin when i tol u i loved you, i was being honest. but without u its like a song without words. without you its like theres like no a or i in my name. yeah ai means love but it dun mean the same, without you. how can i express this love when you wont even let me put u as all the above. i relly try to push n shove my way outta this mental state cuz im goin crazy. but i kinda like this feeling for u n plus im lazy. ha…i hate it n love it. hate how im always so sad. love how i never get mad. love how i no im hurtin for u, the person i relly love and care about. do you still care about me? this a question i highly doubt. but i jus want u to no that my heart still constantly screams n shouts. n the name being shouted aloud would be you…unrequited love oh i read about that. jus never thought even big daddy kai had to witness n be victim of it. mayb its jus another lesson learned, another experience. w.e it is, i still cnt wait to view ur appearance. jenn…i miss you =/

if i aint got you

without you my thoughts are messy and full of confusion. without you i be almost gettin hit by cars. im always thinkin constantly think bout us to the point i dun even look b4 i cross. n i cnt even help it. i relly wanna talk to u but i relly dun wanna bother u. from ur fb convos it seems like ur happy, having fun, n having the time of ur life. i honestly dunno whats on ur mind anymore. am i even on ur mind anymore? i doubt that since its been a couple weeks alrdy. u lost feelings for me in a couple days u went to albany, so by now its prolly all gone…=/. hurts to no or think bout it. or ur jus pretending like ur happy…or ur jus so lonely u needa make urself happy…or ur not txtin me cuz u dun wanna bother me. theres always 2 sides in a situation but idk which one we r on. do the lil msgs u write to me still count? i dun even no whether or not to read em anymore…this tumblr relly is for you altho u dun get to c it. but the difference is im gunna keep updating this tumblr to spill my heart out. i relly wanna no if u even miss me like that anymore. u prolly try n not think bout me cuz im sucha burden. its ok ill stay out the way. i relly wish sometimes i could detahc myself n not miss u so much but i cnt…im alrdy too attached. ive never felt like this for anyone b4. no disrespect to my exes or grls i been wit but u changed me, actually changed me. i control my temper now like it relly went down. not even bcuz im depressed bcuz i always try n think like u. how u consider the other persons feelings b4 sayin somethin, not throwin too many harsh words out there. its 3 in the morning…i cnt sleep. i relly wanna hear from u again altho the convos not gunna be the same n it would prolly feel awkward cuz we cnt baby each other. well i would so baby u but i no u wouldnt feel comfortable doin the same. i jus want u to no…if it aint u baby n if i aint got u baby everything seriously means nothing to me. 6.28.10 <3…we will get pass this…as low as my faith is right now. i love you…

我的故事: Would you still like me if all of my hair fell off? If I gained a lot...


Would you still like me if all of my hair fell off? If I gained a lot of weight and became really fat? Would you still hold my hand in public if your friends thought I was weird?
Would you still like me from time to time if I started complaining a lot? If I got really insecure around you?



i came to realize that im startin to update about everyday. i guess tumblrs the only way i can vent out my feelings. and everytime im done writing i feel so relieved. but then the next day i come bak to feelin the same way. is this even healthy? if i miss her so much y dun i jus express myself instead of trying to jus doin other things n keepin my mind off of it? i no its gunna be a long time til i get over her especially when i have nobody nowadays. not that i dun but i dun wanna be a lil bitch n complain. i rather suck it up like wat shes prolly doin n gettin over ourselves. but thing is….shes prolly tryna get over me but i relly dun wanna get over her. i no she prolly has time to at least txt me hey wats up n then tell me talk to me later. question is…why doesnt she even bother to anymore? =/. that relly gets to me. it seems like shes relly tryna let us be behind us. i saw an update from her which was a video from her to jacqueline. it made me realize how long i havent heard her voice n of course i would be a stalker n play it on my homepage. shes still that beautiful to me. her voice is still angelic to me. i replayed her a good 5 times b4 i tol myself ok cut that shit out kai. u not that type of guy. fuck u mean lols of course i am. i miss her so much. i wasnt kiddin bak then when i tol her i couldnt sleep without hearin from her. i still have a problem sleepin. i sleep bout 1 or 3 in the morning everyday n ppl no i cnt sleep late either. im killing myself physically n mentally, n i cnt even help it. i guess this is wat i get for falling so deep. but i dun regret bcuz i once tol her “as long as its you idc if i get hurt”. it still abides to this day. one thing i dislike bout myself is i stay true to my word. too true. all the promises i made for her i still keep it. she dun like me grillin ppl, i stopped that. she dun want me smokin, i havent even tho i got offered plenty of times. relax n calm myself which i find myself doin pretty well. even wit my mom nowadays. i actually cooked for the first time n gave grocery shoppin a shot. lols its actually quite entertaining n fun. ima start cooking n stuff now. hopefully one day i can cook for u babe. lo gong still thinks bout u. u might be over me alrdy or not even think bout me at all. but idc…cuz i remmeber u tol me u would never forget me n ill always have a place in ur heart. u might not feel it or see it. but i doubt u forgot bout us like that alrdy. we had alotta fights n point of break ups, but it bought us closer each time. i dun c this as true break up altho we dun even talk anymore. i c this more of a test. a test to c if we can wait for each other. a test of our feelings for each other. if one of us ends up wit someone else, then it jus wasnt meant to be. i no i will try my best to continue n wait for u. hopefully i hear from u on my bday. that would be the greatest bday present. i remmeber i was on the fone wit u all night when u turned 18. we was singing n stuff. now that i look bak it was like 8 months ago. i miss how we talked every night, how we oovooed, how the summer we saw each other. i even miss how we fought n how u used to gimme that look when i said something stupid like what i always do to joke. i miss the times we laid down together n watched tv. i missed how we cuddled. i miss everything about u. we might not have much in common but thats wat attracts me most bout u. i no how u think n feel but idk how u exactly feel or think at a specific moment. u always seem so relaxed. last time we saw each other u tol me u didnt think bout me or even miss me as much or even like me as much. so i guess by now im nothing ayy? i have faith but not much left bcuz idk how u feel exactly. if u dun even like me as much anymore thats like sayin ur startin to forget wat we once had. =/…u r prolly comin bak for the summer but u prolly wouldnt wanna spend it wit me n waste time like that again. instead, u prolly wanna be wit ur frens. u claim for us to be frens but we dun even talk no more. *sigh*…my thoughts r like still so messy lols. but whats not messy is how i feel for u. its still the same…but i might happen to like u even more than i used to. if we ever get bak i would treasure u n value u so much more. what did u do wit our pics? did u put em away, throw em out? did u put away the necklace or throw that away? so many questions but am i ever gunna get an answer? lols im venting like a motherfucker n i kinda feel like a psycho talkin to myself cuz i have so many questions in mind. n like the usual i made a rhyme:

    Been hittin the gym so I’m kinda leaned back. I work out for u so u can take me back. Hoping that I can impress u wit a soon to come 8 pack. Ha…I’m silly ayy? But ill try anything for u to come back. Without u, there seems to be sutthin that I lack. N that’s the spirit or motivation. I got nothing in the mornin to keep me goin. U used to spark me up like an engine wit a text. But now it seems like ur on to the next. I feel hopeless in a way but at the same time fresh. Cuz the past gets renewed in my head n sticks to my flesh. My heart n blood pumps jus for you. My heart beats fast when I see you. But what’s the point of holdin on when ur proly movin on. I dun wanna point fingers but shit….this feeling lingers like no tomorrow. Everytime I think of us it makes me feel real happy but ends in sorrow. I’m happy about what we once had. Seein how we ended up gets me sad. I relly wanna be on the same path as you again. I wanna be more than a fren. I wanna be ur man. If I cnt then who can?

good luck to her..

idk if it was jus coincidental or it jus wasnt meant to be. i actually wrote up a blog hrs ago but when i was gunna create the post, i lost internet n everything i wrote was lost jus smh. well i still remember wat i wrote cuz everything came from the heart n i cnt jus forget. so i was happy she updated her status but the down part is the fact that she was stressed on her hw. i know how serious she takes hw n i remmeber how stress she can get if she doesnt get something. i still remember how she was hitting me and venting to me bout how difficult her classes would be in my room. n i understand that. mayb thats y she hasnt spoke to me. but i relly hope she does well cuz she gave us up in order to focus in skool. babe u needa do well for u, for ur family n for us. im still waiting on u to come bak. i dun even wanna express myself bcuz i no nothing will come out of it. u r too far n that is a problem. we knew this couldda happened but we still chose to be together for the summer. i dun regret that choice n never will bcuz u left me wit very happy memories. i tol u that i rather mourn for u than mourn and question myself everyday what if what if what if? the outcome was unfortunate and still very unpleasant to me til this day. but all i want is you. n time relly flies. for all u no tomorrow will be the day we get bak, u movin bak n all obstacles get outta our way. a long lasting relationship is often put thru tests. this is a very big test n i hope we will both get thru it. remember how we both agreed on first comes bitterness then the sweet? or remember when i tol u that the path ahead will be ruff but we have to get thru it. altho we dun talk n stuff. i believe that we r still gettin thru it together but on the inside, spiritually. our relationship isnt limit to jus physical kissing hugging but a deeper mentality. maybe you dont feel this but i do. n as long as i dun giv up i no i can get u bak. i no that i can have a whole worlds love for u n prolly still cnt get u bak cuz ur too far n ur prolly wouldnt work. but skool is important as of now n it gives us both time to prepare mentally for each other. everyday im trying to better myself n think bout the mistakes i made with u. i try n be more understanding nowadays. i jus hope this preparation will be in use one day. cuz jenn i relly do love you…i promised u ill wait n i will. u might not want me to but i cnt help it. im not willing to delete our past…i cant. ill rather hurt everyday feel like im gettin stabbed by 10 swords than try n forget bout u. u relly mean alot to me. i cnt describe this feeling bcuz idk y i like u so much either. i mean obviously the feelings arent mutual. but i guess i jus relly like u for who u r. u might not have shown care towards me as much as i did but u were relly understanding. u knew wat to do to make me happy, i jus expected too much. now that ur gone im starting to realize more n more. n right now i jus want u to be happy n do well in skool. as long as we keep ourselves occupied these yrs will pass. n once u move bak…we can finish off wat we started. *muahs*..miss ur kisses…miss ur hugs =/. do u miss me?

well w.e it is i wish u the best. n heres a rhyme i made this morning omw to skool:

    It hurts so much that I cnt even eat my lunch. What do u want babe? Flowers? I would buy u a bunch. Is 99 enuff to express my love? I love you but idk if I should hold on or move on. I cnt move on cuz I’m still holdin on. N I wanna hold on til the very last. Its alrdy the end but I’m still havin a blast. Time moves fast for sure but I’m movin so slow. I want a place for us to be together, where can we go? You know? Prolly not cuz idk either. I dun believe in u god but ill pray to u as my last resort cuz I need her. Do I ever cross her mind when she sees a certain sign or hears a certain word? I no these questions r ridiculous n absurd. But other than askin questions idk what to do since I dun have the answers like I have for my classes. Is this a punishment cuz I aint catholic n I dun go to masses? Someone plz jus gimme a sign or even cop me a dime so I can blow these feelings away like smoke. I miss her I relly feel lots of affection for her like no joke.

todays our 3rd month..wonder if she remembers? =/ same old days. i cnt say im healed n not hurting bcuz i still miss her alot. the dreams r slowly dying down but the feelings r still the same. it was a hassle this mornin since i bundled up my hw n did it this mornin. but…i still managed to get to skool on time wit my hw n everything along with breakfast =] yay…=/ babe i miss you so much…i really want us to talk again. do you even notice that we havent talked? do i ever cross your mind? we talked like 9 months straight…not ever missing a day until that 3 day thing where u had to consider me…but other than that we relly havent stopped talkin like this. i feel like ur feelings either faded completely, u dont care, or…ur feelin jus like me right now. givin each other space hopin we r both waitin without havin to say it. i still have that faith…im still waiting, preparing myself mentally bak for us again. in the past when me n a grl broke up i no its jus over…but for some reason, the feelings with you are quite different. i guess nobody ever broke up with me for school, meaning theres a chance you still like me and want to be with me. just the fact that one priority is b4 me. but after u take care of it u will come back…idk how much longer i can wait but ima wait as long as i can. i really do love you…it bothers me every single day that we r not talking. my bdays comin up soon…i wonder if u remember…i still remember u tellin me “ill try my best to make it back hubby”.. will i ever get another kiss from u or hear u call me lo gong/hubby this life? haha…that would prolly be too much to ask but its good to reminisce sometimes what we shared. i often have flashbacks of when we were together. altho u didnt show much care towards us bcuz “u dun chase after guys” or w.e…i knew deep down how u felt for me. i always question what makes me diff from ur exes…easy….the things we shared, the things we did which they never done b4. jus like how u never made anyone sucha sentimental gift. i no u put alotta heart n time in to it. altho i dun read it anymore bcuz it makes me think even more of u everything n it ends up hurting, i still will hold on to it. bcuz its the only thing n last thing u prolly left me with. i miss you jennifer…i miss you so much. you are probably never going to read this because you dont even have a tumblr. and for anyone who reads this, i dont want pity or anything. i jus really cant hold all these feelings to myself, i need a way to vent it. honestly, i havent relly spoke to my frens bout my feelings. maybe only one but barely. i guess i got that off you too hunn…the keepin things to myself n suckin it up along wit leavin things alone. its so hard to keep a smile on top of a frown but hey u used to do it. guess i should too. i wonder how ur doing but im afraid to bother you. ill still be waitin so txt me whenever you free like we agreed last time…lols u prolly do have time but choose to not txt. u might even be talkin to someone else but its ok ill wait. i no we will talk again…i believe in what we had. i still remember u tellin me ” i wun take off our necklace until i totally get over you which idk when it will be “. u mightta taken it off but its still on in our hearts. i can be wrong but i believe in what we had…i dun think u can jus forget like that even tho ur prolly wit ppl alot n focused in skool, goin out n stuff. i strongly believe u no how i feel bout u n how much i care bout u. even if u find another guy, he prolly wouldnt treat u like i did. he may be more understanding but he would definitely not care as much as i do. it might seem a bit contradicting but its my way of sayin i like u most. u will prolly sense it if u do ever end up wit another guy. do u ever miss the feeling we had when u were in my arms? when my arms were aroun u? i remmeber u said i made u feel safe. i jus want u to no that from the bottom of my heart im still urs…i might not be there physically but spiritually im still here. i will always be ur guardian angel wifeyy. happy 3 months <3…     love, kai

no matter what i do. all i think about is you.

lately whenever i have those burst of emotions for her i od my fone. its my way of venting now, writing, no better yet typing. good practice huh? i wish i can write happier things n not these depressin things. but nowadays i relly have nobody to talk to. i tried makin up n being frens wit this grl who i threw away awhile bak, she doesnt wanna talk to me cuz she thinks of me as a flirt n i guess too much? but i relly did mean well. i guess im leavin her alone. so yeah…its like 4 more days til we were boutta hit 3 months. i miss her so much. i remmeber how i held her hand the first time n we cuddled on the bus. n the times we took the bus the same spot we would sit in..the times we spent at her house, watching tv on the couch, it was sucha warm feeling. i prolly wun get that feeling ever again n it relly hurts. i bet other than skool she doesnt even think bout me. she prolly forgot bout us alrdy. even if she remembers she would still try n not care. i no her too well…she might even focus on whats infronta her now which is prolly that dude she talks to nowadays. maybe she might shift her feelings to him which sucks for me…i relly wished the affection i have for her i can get back but i no thats like beyond impossible. all i can do is wish n have faith that one day we will be together again. but then again…what r the chances of that? =/. i cnt lie to myself anymore. for all we no shes prolly over me alrdy. it relly makes me wanna shed a tear when that comes to mind bcuz all that we ever had is prolly in the trash bin…i am so tempted to txt or call her but i wouldnt even no what to say. she prolly wouldnt no wat to say back. no matter what…we cnt get bak together as of now. distance…atmosphere…n mayb her feelings for me arent even enuff. i wonder when she is ever gunna txt me…did she alrdy forget bout me? did she alrdy forget bout us? we tol each other so many things, we talked for so many nights, so many hours…did those ever mean anything? does she remember what i tol her when i said i loved her n i was gunna wait? is she gunna have enuff fate to keep that inside her n wait for me? these r jus all question marks. they mayb answered or never be answered. its so hard to remain optimistic when it comes to a bond thats falling apart. n seriously…no matter what i do all  ithink bout is her. =/…shes prolly too busy to think of me tho. she prolly doesnt even wanna think bout me. she prolly havin mad fun n feelin content or happy to having someone like him or her other frens to talk to. nowadays, i feel like i got nobody. all my frens r either busy, has something to do, or not someone i would express myself to. its jus so much…i have problems sleeping. mayb goin home spendin time wit my family more will open me up. i relly wanna see her again but at the same time i dont. i wanna see her again obviously bcuz i miss her n i still like her alot. shes the only one who can complete me as of now. i dun wanna see her bcuz im afraid of how she would react to me. maybe her feelings did change n she doesnt even hug me the same way anymore, not wanting to kiss me or look me in the eyes intimately. the connection might not be there for her which would relly upset me. bcuz i want my summer love back…i knew from the very beginning this would be a really hard path but i chose it n i aint bitchin im dealin with it. i told her that we might not last after the summer n it will hurt but i rather hurt with memories than hurting n thinkin wit more questions. all the what ifs if we started…now i no. i guess i should be satisfied. it was good while it lasted. as of now…other than her i want nobody else. idk how long its gunna take for me to move on but i no that this time it wun be anytime soon. i can be seein other grls, talkin to other grls but it wun be the same, bcuz what me n her had was special. nobody would stay up like her til 5 in the morning to talk to me, txt me all day, be so understanding pretendin like she didnt care n givin me the feeling to have to try harder n to chase. shes the first grl i put so much effort for. is she worth it? yes she is. is she still worth it? yes she is bcuz good things r hard to get. unless she hooks up wit someone else or finds someone else during this period. cuz if she does…then it jus tells me what she ever tol me was bs. it would go against everything she ever tol me n i might even end up hating her. but then again hate is a form of love. i can never stop loving this grl =/. i may sound stupid n laugh when i read bak on this later on. but this is how i feel now n i can never forget this mark this grl once left.

here r some rhymes i made for her:

    5 more days wouldda been 9.28 our special anniversary date. Remember our first month how we actually talked mad late. I miss taking care and talking to you boo. But sucks u prolly dun miss it n ur actions r telin me to shoo. Its all good cuz I’m a fool, I try to keep my cool. Still waitin upon ur return even tho it burns. Love is bout the waitin n holdin on is what I learned. When I tol you I loved you it wasn’t just me sayin it at the spurr of the moment. I meant it n wanted u to be in everyone of my future moments. But now I’m here sittin alone jus reminiscing all the time we spent together. We once upon a time said forever but now its like we dun even talk ever. If I asked u out right now u would say idk aka never. It hurts baby it relly does but what can I do other than wait for our fate to come by again. Let u talk to other dudes n be there fren. Givin em a chance to invade ur heart altho I still got the key. What goods a key if u prolly changed ur lock. But its all good cuz I’m a locksmith, million types of keys in stock. Million types of ways to get you back. But I would need contact wit u so sucks for me ur so far away. I’m still waitin for u to come bak one day. =/…*sigh* jenn I miss you so much.

    No matter what I do all I think about is you. Uhh I miss you boo where r u boo. Nowadays you talk to who? Would you rather him or me? Do u ever think bout me n then cry on the inside? Or u lie bout it n jus hide it inside. I no u prolly dun miss me like the way I miss you. But I jus relly want u in my arms n get a chance to kiss you. I’m still crazy over u. Thinkin bout u makes me not lazy. Cuz it gets me goin for somethin cuz I no I’m still missin somethin. I’m still here for you. Altho u dun txt me now, in the future u need me ill still be there for you. I jus want you to find ur happiness but unfortunately not wit someone else. I’m sittin here wit so many ppl doin hw n I still cnt get over u. Yeah grl u made a mark. N it stings like a bite from a shark. I no this hurt wun go away anytime soon until I totally get over u. But how can I, when no matter what I do…all I think about is you?



    I was thinkin bout her as I was thinkin bout me. I also wondered what we were gunna be. What does she want us to be? I still want to let her know how much she still means to me. I think about her but does she think about me? No one knows but her and it blows because I can’t sleep, I think she knows. My facebook statuses makes it obvious n shows my affection that I dnt even let my friends know.


alright i havent updated since last time. last time was all bout her n this time it will be too bcuz im still on her n idk how long i will be. its prolly gunna be awhile cuz i still have problems sleeping. i think bout her from time to time n it hurts everytime seein where we ended up. we havent talked for like a week n i guess shes busy. but at the same time i no shes talkin to someone else…haha i jus got bak from the gym logged on fb n saw her profile picture. its wit her so called fren who likes her. guess shes moving on from me to him =/. well he can help her wit chemistry n i guess im retarted compared to him. maybe he would be a better boyfriend than me. up to this point i dun even hope for her to come back or nothin bcuz i no the chances r slim. but i cnt deny the fact i still love this girl. i just want her to be happy. yes i am mourning deeply inside. i wish the one in the profile picture with her would be me n not him…idk if hes only jus a fren to her but i havent seen any profile pics of her n her best fren other than austin. but like..teddy isnt even on it. n this dude is up there so i guess in a way shes tellin me to bak off? =/. if it was the kai 2 months ago i wouldda hit her up n flipped or let her no how i feel. but after all this, my hearts not dead but jus numb bout things. nothing can get me more upset than when she tol me she couldnt do it anymore. noin that she prolly talks to him wayyy more than me of course makes me jealous n upsets me. but it wun get me to spazz like that. as long as shes happy im happy too. i jus wanna no shes safe n stuff. but i can only see that from seein her havin the time to go on fb or mayb ask antony from time to time wat she up to cuz i no they talk. baby i miss you…ur still that grl who i still wanna talk to every night. lols but i no we prolly wun talk anytime soon cuz if i dun msg u, u wun msg me. n im trying to giv u all the space in the world. i no that this is the best right now. next time u msg me, u will prolly only c me as a fren or if im lucky still have them feelings for me. but i doubt the 2nd one bcuz…i prolly wasnt even that special to u. in a week it wouldda been our 3rd months. sucks we couldnt even get there lols…im worse than ur exes at least they got to 3. n y do i have a feeling im right bout u moving on from me to him lols…hope this feelings wrong but if its true…id have to accept. but i jus want u to no id still like u. other grls have been talkin to me n i been talkin to other grls as well like not even flirt, jus as a fren, but none of em can replace u. bcuz deep down im jus like….i wish it was u talkin to me right now. i miss you so much…T.T

it was only jus a dream…

so like i said..lately i been thinkin bout her so much. n the feelings i have for her cnt even be expressed in one post. whenever i relly miss her or think bout her i write on my drafts. the things i feel n stuff. n haha my fones like overflowed wit these drafts that sometimes after i get 10 msgs my fone says like 60. bcuz one draft equals like 14 pages of txt. i jus thought b4 i delete em i can write em down here, express how i feel n mayb when i read bak later on i can reminisce or remember how i once felt for this grl. well here goes:


 I have no idea why a grl like you who was never sure. Got a guy like me who’s falling I think it thru n came to realize there’s no typical explanation. In love there’s no science n it makes no sense, jus magical aka gods creation. God gave us the power to love. N I’m silly enuf to use it to puttin u as all of the above. I cnt believe 2 months along wit our consistent fone convos has gotten me to fall this deep. Thinkin bout u hard every night right b4 I go to sleep. Feelings r so strong n I dun even no if its wrong. Wrong for me to even hol on to something u prolly dun want anymore. But until I stop adoring u I wun giv up chasing u back. Bcuz I want u bak. I want u in my life. I wasn’t kidding when I tol u, I want u as my wife. Kingsley n melanie would be the 2 names of our kids. I miss ur hugs n kiss. Miss ur lips n miss everything bout u from the smell of ur hair to ur love handles lol…miss holdin u by the waist n even my arms aroun ur shoulder. Ughhh all these feelings r buildin up on me, heavy like a boulder. =/..I miss you so much jenn n I cnt even express to u. I dun think u feel the same anymore but its ok…I still hope for u to come bak to me one day. Hopefully u wun find someone else     or do anything wit anyone else n save urself to me. Cuz I love you. No guy will ever love you like I ever will baby…jus nowadays when we talk I feel like another henry altho idk him. I dun wanna be ur best fren =( T.T…I wanna be that special guy…who u dun jus joke n try to be nice wit. I wanna c all the sides of u. Ur bitchy side mean side every side…but I no if u jus treat me as a fren u will only be generous n very nice to me jus like how u r to everyone else. I wish I can go bak in time n jus repeat the cycle of the summer…do u still heart me n c me as ur lo gong =/ the things u once tol me still count? These questions always roam inside me. I no ur someone who I can never forget, hol on to the very last second til I can either get u bak or move on which I doubt I can anytime soon. Cuz everytime a grl talks to me…I wish that grl be u. =/

I’m so happy sometimes altho I’m mourning. I had an idea how’d we would turn out after you left but I am still happy to know we were once together. Being able to mourn for you is one of the happiest things but at the same time depressing. I’d never forget this feeling…=)



Altho nowadays I cnt express myself. I still cnt help myself, but to make another verse. Rhymin til I cnt like this was my first. Hurt, sucks we not together anymore n I still feel the same. Sucks I cnt lo pall or baby u n gotta call u by ur name. I miss you I haven’t seen you nor heard ur voice. Its been like 2 weeks but feels like 200 yrs to me. Sometimes I wonder deep down inside if u ever sheded a tear for me. Do u still adore me? Or feel the same way at all. I no u made ur call. Makin skool ur first choice but deep down inside ur still my first choice. I rejoice our memories reminisce constantly. But it doesn’t help if ur not here livin it wit me. I envy ur ex henry cuz he actually gets to spend time with u more than me. Sometimes I wonder if u liked me more than he. I’m truly in love but I wish u could c. I wish I could express insteada jus sittin here thinkin bout it stressed. Knowing that if I expressed again it would jus push u away. How long do I have to wait until u come bak my way? Hopefully it wun be long n tomorrow can be the day. I no u haven’t fallen for me n prolly never will. But for some reason idk y…I love you still.


    I thought I could jus be w.e bout it..but I really can’t. It really bothers me that its been like 3 days since we spoke. I’m emotionally unstabled…u might think I’m a psycho or I like u too much but I cnt control these feelings. I fell too hard. I love you. Which is the reason y I am still holding on and at the same time giving you space, hoping one day you will come back. But I know the chances of that is really slim…yet I’m still holding on. I’m in sucha bad mood. I wish you were here to talk to me like you used to. But you’re no longer here for me. I feel like you no longer like me or even care for me. Makes me sad…but life goes on and so do we. I really wished you would move bak…or have summer come by again and bring us back together. I am tired of living in memories. I wanna liv in the present with you…=/      




Woke up this morning having like 3 dreams about you. It made me realize I may be wrong about you. Or maybe I alrdy knew but decided to cheat myself. You no longer like me, moving on, talking to someone else using hw as an excuse. This can be the truth but believin it? Naw I refuse. I still believe in us coming back. Cuz I’m sure somewhere in ur heart my names in tac. I still believe what we once had was special, different so idc wat others say they can’t take that from me. Cuz deep inside down you me one and only hunny. I still think about you til this day….  



Sucks how I c u on fb but u never replied to my comment. I dun wanna msg u cuz idk if u even wanna talk to me. Go on oovoo invisible jus to c u on…but ur not gunna c me =/…I miss you so much. U prolly dun feel the same tho. O wells…     


 It sucks that I cnt even tell you how I really feel anymore, cuz it would just push u away. U dunno how much it hurts n how much I have to hold day by day. U said u dun expect me to wait so is that like sayin u dun want me to? So u can find someone else? Or u jus dun wanna be selfish n keep me waitin. U jus needa say one word n ill be yours. 3 years would be how long I’d have to wait til we prolly get back again n finish what we started. But til then I hope our heart wouldn’t be departed.  



Sittin on the bus constantly wit u in my head n I cnt control this feeling. It hurts to know you dun like me as much nor miss me as much. I know you never liked me as much as I liked you but I can tell you’re trying to put us behind and move on, truly being friends. I don’t want that…I really don’t want us to come to an end. I struggle to hold on to this feeling, lying to myself tellin myself maybe one day you’d crack and come back. But I know chances of that are real slim bcuz there’s nothing I can do to make you fall for me…or maybe even like me as much again. I don’t know why I want you so bad…is it cuz of ur beautiful face or I like giving the chase? I really don’t know but I’m desperate to want you back as my one and only. Yeah I might not know what girl might come my way in the future. But what I know is that what I once had for you wouldn’t be forgotten in the future…I really miss you ….miss the feeling of how we both wanted to kiss, hug and not let go. I wanna c you so bad…n the feelings I have for you right now you would never even know…bcuz you’d never fall for a guy like me. You say that you don’t do this or that for guys…am I really just like the other guys? Cuz if I am..then what you once told me were just all fake and lies. I feel like you liked me just as much as your exes…which is sad bcuz what we had was supposed to be more than that but it seems like sooner or later you might be on to your next…



  If I relly like and love you I should just let you be happy and be that guy behind you always even tho I feel like crap…feelings will be inside me. 



 I still hav the box you gave me full of ur cute lil scroll msgs. sucks that the feelings u express to me was when we were actually together. these long msgs im writing to you, you may never read or even see. i still read one a week but idk how much longer the scrolls will last me. haha i guess this is a way of my feelings to you as well. i love you [6.28.10<3]          



its been awhile…but the reason why i choose to update is bcuz of her..=/

lately so much have happened that i cant even write in one post. but lets jus say i had one of the best summers of my life. haha i feel like such a no life dork whos jus sittin at home bcuz i have nothin to do. which is true but i decided to tumble again bcuz of her. so like this summer was special bcuz i established a relationship with a girl who i still really like up to this point. i had remedial classes during the summer n once skool ended i would go to her house n spend time with her. altho we were always jus at her house n we only went out like 3 times, it was still really enjoyable and very precious to me. all the time which i got to spend with her. we had some serious fights n we were boutta break up multiple times but we knew we couldnt let each other go. august 24th of this yrs 2010 was the last time we officially saw each other. she went to albany the next day which was the 25th which i can never forget. well guess what happened next? ha..whoevers reading this u guessed it…we broke up. its been like 2 weeks alrdy since we split. n these 2 weeks we barely spoke. i saw her like last sunday but only for 15 minutes-ish…n thru out those 15 minutes i relly jus wanted to hug her kiss her n not let her go but i knew i couldnt. i cant even tell her how i feel bcuz i no that it will push her away. thats y nowadays i wait for her to txt me or msg me but haha…shes too busy i guess, havent relly gotten anything but its ok bcuz im still waiting. she relly thinks that givin both of us time or not msging me will make me move on, shes wrong. i still really miss her. i have dreams about her like every night. this may sound ridiculous huh? but its true. i wake up like 3 in the morning or a lil later 6ish bcuz i dream bout her. at first the dreams made me still feel like theres hope but the dream i had this morning tol me not =/. sucks i cant express myself to her anymore n she doesnt even no if she wants me. even if she does…it prolly wouldnt be right now =/. my biggest wish right now is for her to be mine again and have every obstacle outta her way. b4 she left i always tol her that id wait…n i still am. we both agreed that the road ahead of us would be bumpy full of bitterness. but first comes the bitter then comes the sweet. but i relly wanna no when the sweet is coming bcuz this bitterness is killing me. i still shed a tear from time to time thinkin bout us. i relly wanna talk to her, txt her or even call her…but i no it would be too much. i go on fb jus to c if shes on, oovoo, aim..can someone plz tell me how much longer i gotta wait? =/. this may be bad n she might even want me to move on. she mightta even moved on or started talkin to someone else. but as of now i relly jus want her. her n i r totally opposites of each other but i guess opposites attract, thats our chemistry. if only she knew n could gimme another chance =/…if she ever read this it would prolly be a turn off to her cuz she dun like guys fallin for her or being clingy or being so attached but oh wells. n i no she wouldnt fall for guys easily or a guy like me. sucks but im still classified as one of those guys. i wonder if she still thinks bout me from time to time. according to her, she still misses me but not much, likes me but not as much. so does that meane evevntually she will forget n let all the moments we had fade? thinkin bout that always gets me sad bcuz i wanted to leave a mark at least. well hopefully one day she can feel how i feel n we can get back. hopefully she doesnt find anyone else bcuz in my heart, shes still that lo pall <3. i wonder if i would ever get a kiss from her again or hear her thru the fone givin me a kiss or callin me lo gong. miss you lo pall…i miss you so much =/. im still waiting.

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